3aib! And The City.

An everyday girl who happens to be a psychologist

Ask 3aib: Sexuality / Forced marriage

13th September 2016 - 2 mins read

Age:  32

Gender:  Male

Message:  Dear 3aib, 

My family has always suspect me to be a bit too feminine. Although it was never confirmed they always questioned my sexuality. 

I am now being forced to marry a girl because my parents believe it will toughen me up and i don’t want to get married because I know I will not be able to love my future wife or fullfil her ‘needs’ I will not be able to sleep with her. I don’t have a reason to back out of getting engaged. What do u think I should do?

Dear Male, 32, 

I must be honest, I was struggling with publishing this question given the nature of it. However, to be very fair, everyone deserves an answer on this platform. I really thank you for your trust and for sending in this question. 

First and foremost, in that advice request you did not verify the gender you are interested in, you preferred staying rather vague about it. So I will just dive into the more pressuring issue here. Being forced into marriage is an absolute no go, and the reasons why do not matter. It will not toughen up anyone and if anything, it will make both people involved more miserable. 

My advice to you, against regular practice will be very straight forward. You just have to stand up for yourself and express a very firm no. If they want an more toughened up person, this is the chance to just show them that you will not be willing to go into a marriage with a person you a) do not love and b) did not choose yourself. You can tell them that you have other plans for your life and you do not feel that marriage is right option for you at this moment. Just to be very clear, we all live our lives putting other people into consideration and often this is the root of so many tragedies. But in this particular issue, you are not only responsible for yourself but also for the person you are supposed to marry. She, as well as you, deserves to be happy and this marriage will only bring her pain. Do not marry her only because your family wants you to. Now, you do not need to justify your reasons in any form to your family. You can simply come up with a plan for yourself that is solid and does not include marriage for now. Say you want to focus on your career or learn or study something new, and it does not even need to be a lie, I am sure that deep down you have ambitions you have never dared pursuing, there is and must be something. Now is the time to go for it. Be firm about that plan if you do not want to disclose the true feelings. Feelings are very private and none has a right to force an answer out of you, whatever your reasons may be. 

Protect yourself and the person you are supposed to marry. I know the situation must be very tough on you and my heart really goes out to you but do no drag another person into your challenges, it will only make things worse. 

Good luck to you…