3aib! And The City.

An everyday girl who happens to be a psychologist

Ask 3aib: Can’t Get Over the Loss of My Mother

30th August 2016 - 4 mins read

Age : 25

Gender: Female

Message : 4 years ago mother died in a car accident. I was relatively young and my life changed completely after that. I miss her everyday and often cry myself to sleep because I miss her so much. I have a daughter myself now and it re-opened a lot of wounds I thought have healed. My environment is very religious and they don’t give me a lot of space to talk about my feelings. 

Dear Female, 25

Thank you so much for your trust and for sharing your story. I am deeply sorry for your loss. Let me start by saying this: Grief is nothing to get over and be done with. Grief is something you need to learn to live with. And especially in your case, she was robbed out of your life by an accident. There was no preparation nor building up for it like when you know that somebody is sick. 

We lose someone and for a short amount of time it seems that a lot of people who knew and loved that person grieve with us. But as the days pass by the majority moves on and gets back into the spiral of their own lives and none can really blame them for it. However, the people closest to the passed person are left behind, often with none to talk to. Loss on this level cannot be explained. Unfortunately, it is one of the things you need to experience yourself to understand it. It seems like a barrier has built between those who know the feeling of losing such a close person and those who only scratched upon the surface of knowing that kind of grief. There is, however, no judgement in that statement. Nobody gets to choose their strokes of fate. 

I will spare you a lengthly paragraph about the stages of grief but I will write about acceptance. The journey to acceptance is not a smooth transition from on place to another but rather an endless back and forth. Some days will pass by easier, others will not. That is essentially the part you need to be in common with. Longing for your mother’s advice, voice, meals or simply company will be a part of you for the rest of your life. If the bond between parents and the child is healthy, they will remain the point of reference throughout the child’s life. The child might disagree with many of their practices but in essence, they will forever treat what was taught by the parents as a road map. Sometimes they may follow the example, sometimes they may set off to find their own ways. 

Your situation is especially difficult. By being a young parent yourself you will understand and see the role of a mother from a different angle. You will understand what she endured and what she took gladly without complaining. You will understand what it is like to be sleep deprived and how to love selflessly, especially during the first few months. How caring about yourself is only secondary and the well being of your child will be the most important thing. It is a different type of appreciation. 

Because I try to keep this website as neutral as possible, I will not dive too deep into the religious aspect you have mentioned, but I will say that there is no religion I know of which does not validate and allow grief after losing of a loved person as long as you ensure that your life goes on. And in my humble opinion, the fact that you reached out even in form of a little message left on this website, ensures that you have not lost your will to live. 

Even though it might seem controversial from a psychological point of view, I will share my own experience with loss. Losing a parent ran like a thread through my own personal journey. There is not a day I have not remembered the day I lost them and how much I miss them. And as I said in the beginning, some days are easier than others but there is not a day I have not thought at least once, it would be so nice to hear their voice again or how nice it would be to share a moment or milestone of my life with them. Just for a second.

I came to terms with the fact that missing them, will always be a part of me. And by embracing it, I stopped fighting it because it took a great amount of energy from me. I now allow the pain when it comes which does not necessarily mean that it hurts less, but the moments are not as frequent anymore. And on some lucky days, there is only the ‘I love you’ that remains and smiling becomes particularly easy. 

Additionally, I will say that grief therapy can be very beneficial and useful. But out of personal experience I understand that we sometimes fear that it could wipe off the remembrance and the last connection we have with that person. But on contrary, it will establish a place where remembrance can be celebrated for the most part instead of being tinted by sadness all the time. Maybe you want to give it a thought. 

For now, maybe start by writing letters to her, share your life that way. Believe it or not, the written and directed word is very a powerful tool, even if none gets to read it. It will help you sort your thoughts and heal your wounds. 

Best of luck,

3aib!