12th January 2015 - 6 mins read
. …Sad Depths of Hell
My loveliest readers, welcome back!
A few week ago, I blogged about my experience of getting on Tinder last year. Here it is, in case you missed it: http://3aibandthecity.tumblr.com/36
If you recall, I talked about how Tinder is such a high. And it is. When you’re single, and ready to mingle, there is nothing more fun than realizing that there are plenty of fish in the sea. Lame puns/metaphors aside, that is really what Tinder offers you: Tons of fun opportunities and tons of single men. Nothing wrong with that.
Except of course for the fact that everything is wrong with that. But really, the danger of online dating is catfish. Meeting someone who doesn’t quite look like their picture is actually not the worst thing in the world. Meeting someone who is actually lamer in real life is disappointing, but also not terrible. Meeting someone who lies completely about who they are is the absolute worst. And of course, being a dating blogger who writes about terrible relationships, it is naturally my curse to meet these people so I could one day write about them.
So here I was, freshly single (48-hours-post-break-up-to-be-precise) and oh-so-ready to mingle (i.e., not be distracted by my jerk of an ex and sit at home crying about him). I matched with B and MJ and made plans to meet them BOTH in the same night. Playa-playa score: 1,000,000.
Okay, okay, in reality what had happened is not that I went on two dates in the same night. I agreed to meet B for just a few minutes and say hello, and then go and hang out with MJ and his friend, who through weird coincidence is someone I happened to know. She is actually a follower on my Twitter account and a friend of my ex as well as others I had known in university. Let’s call her Jenna for the purposes of this post. So, the plan was to meet B for a few minutes and say hello, then go out with MJ and Jenna.
I spent the day exchanging WhatsApp messages/voice notes with both B and MJ, who seemed like pleasant, nice guys. MJ was Arab-American and in his late 20s, which is something I usually like because I can relate to it. One of the things he had asked me was: “What are you looking for from Tinder?” And I know what that question means. So I found the most diplomatic answer (i.e. not actually answering his question about whether or not I was looking for a “good time”) to respond with was to say that I had just gotten out of a serious relationship and was open to meeting new people (good answer, right?)
About an hour before we met, we talked on the phone and he decided to audaciously ask me if I was a virgin. I was appalled and disgusted, and I yelled at him for his inappropriateness. He also got all possessive that I was going to meet another guy and mind you, I literally don’t know him. I literally had not even met him yet. This should have been my cue to ditch him I know (I SWEAR I KNOW), but he apologized and I figured I wasn’t meeting him alone and I was trying to avoid thinking about asshole ex-boyfriend (my fault, I know. I SWEAR I KNOW). I think what happens in these situations is that we as women become so used to dealing with jerks of men that we forget that this is actually not normal and our brains switch off.
Anyways - On that cursed Friday night, I went and met B for a few minutes outside a restaurant where he was with his friends. He was very nice and we had a nice chat, but we mutually had no chemistry and it was perfect because we both didn’t have to do the whole “how do I get out of this” thing. Then, I went and met MJ. And my oh my how I wish I hadn’t. I really, really wish I had been hit by a tornado that night and hadn’t gone out.
He came out to get me from the place him and Jenna were at and immediately started talking about how he wished he had been with me alone. Okay, creepy, but okay. I went in and said hello to Jenna, and we started talking as if MJ had not even been there. We talked about my blog/Twitter (I revealed myself to her), my ex, and mutual friends that we had. MJ and I went up to order something to drink and MJ immediately starts asking if he could, in his words, smack my ass. This was pretty much like thirty seconds after we had met. I was mortified, but for whatever reason I cannot understand, I didn’t leave. After telling him NO, he asked if he could kiss me. I had no words.
We went back to the table and I decided to ignore him and talk to Jenna instead. Unfortunately, he decided to open his mouth and start speaking.
“I go on a ton of dates all the time. I have so many female friends. I know a lot of girls,” he blabbered.
“Look, it’s never flattering to any girl to tell her about how many women you know,” I said, calmly.
The next thing I know, MJ starts yelling at me and smacking the table. I asked him why he was being so defensive and that I was just sharing my opinion, which he was entitled to disagree with. I don’t know how the tone of my blogpost is coming off, but I was actually cracking up laughing at this point. After a while, we got up to dance and I was complaining about how I didn’t like the music. MJ responded to this by yelling at me to either shut up or dance. This man sure loved to yell. I continued laughing even more and started dancing with Jenna instead.
We went and sat down after some time and Jenna went to the bathroom. MJ thought this was his golden opportunity to make a move on me.
“Can I kiss you now?” he asked, with eyes full of hope.
“Are you actually serious? No, you can’t. And FYI, if you’re going to kiss a girl you shouldn’t ask. You would know if it was going well and you would just kiss her.” I said. FYI: It wasn’t going well, if you’re still wondering.
“Okay, okay, I’m going to ask you three questions,” he continued, still trying his luck. “Are you single?” I responded, yes. “Do you like to have fun?” I responded, yes. “Obviously you’re attracted to me.” That wasn’t a question and no, I really wasn’t. “So if your answer is yes to all three questions, then we kiss!”
I burst out laughing in his face. “In what world is this true?” I asked, still laughing my ass off.
“WALLAHI THAT’S HOW THEY DO IT IN THE US. YOUTUBE IT!” he yelled. See, I told you he loved yelling.
“I lived in the US, and no that’s not how it’s done. And YouTube is not the source of all facts in the world. And what would I even type on YouTube?!” I said, still laughing hysterically at this clown.
“Please let me kiss you!” he said as he slid closer to me on the bench.
“HELL NO!” I screamed at him.
Thank God, Jenna had returned by this point and I was saved. We danced a little more and I noticed him trying to slowly get closer to me. Seeing this behavior I really couldn’t control myself. I burst out laughing in his face and he reacted by storming off the dance floor.
I took this as my cue to finally leave, said bye to Jenna and completely unwillingly said bye to him. Although the entire experience was actually quite funny, I was actually pretty upset when I left and I cried the whole way home. I realized that I wasn’t ready to date again, and definitely wasn’t ready for assholes again. I needed time to heal from my breakup, so I went home and deleted my Tinder.
But the date from hell wasn’t over. MJ messaged me at some odd hour in the night asking me if I had got home. I didn’t respond till the morning and replied with a simple yes. I don’t know why I even bothered – force of habit, perhaps. We didn’t speak again for the rest of that day and the next day, he messaged me saying I had never responded to his question.
“What question? I didn’t get anything from you?” I said.
“Whether or not you’re a virgin, lol.” he audaciously responded.
“You’ve got to be kidding me. You are sick. Bye,” I responded and immediately blocked him.
Thirty seconds later he texted me calling me immature and saying no wonder my ex left me. I finally got rid of him, but the entire experience was a total nightmare. A few months later I found out from a friend of Jenna’s that he had lied about ever living in the U.S. and to my horror, was actually only 21. I was disgusted, but that actually explained a lot about his immature, childish behavior.
My date from hell put me off Tinder FOREVER. Okay, not actually forever. But for about two months or so when I finally worked up the courage to get back on.
More on that later.
Kisses and hugs,