3aib! And The City.

An everyday girl who happens to be a psychologist

Rewind, Play, Repeat: The Recurrent Ex-Boyfriend

14th September 2013 - 5 mins read

My dearest readers, welcome back. 

I left off my last post saying that it had been a year since my last date when my crazy ex-boyfriend had gotten in touch with me for the millionth time since we broke up years ago. This guy is like a recurrent nightmare - every time I think I’ve gotten rid of him for good, he manages to wiggle his way back into my world. You can say that maybe we have an incredible chemistry or that it’s just meant to be, or maybe even that it just so happens that every time he comes back into my life that I’m single and a little lonely. Say whatever you like. But for some reason, even though he boils my blood over and drives me crazy, he really drives me crazy.

Something about this guy just makes it impossible for me to turn him down when he comes around every 6 months or so (yes, he has a pattern) and I just end up giving in. Against my better judgement, I always end up giving him a chance and then ending it like 5 minutes later when I remember all the reasons we broke up in the first place. I always ask him to forget about me and to never call me again and of course, he never respects it, and of course, I always give in.

So this time around, it was no different. He asked to see me and we argued forever because I kept telling him that it was useless to bother again and he kept telling me that I should just give him a second chance without jumping to conclusions. Needless to say, I agreed. We chose to spend New Year’s eve together and he promised it would be different this time around. I told him I wouldn’t believe it till I saw it, and I didn’t. You see, after getting burned a million times by the same guy, I learned to put the guard of a warrior up. He told me he would pick me up,  but I reminded him that until I saw him outside, as far as I was concerned, I had made back-up plans. Drawing on the numerous times I had waited on him when we had plans and he never showed up, I decided not to believe any more of his words. Even when he had called me and told me he was on his way. 

But it was different. To my wonderful surprise, he actually showed up. This in itself was a massive accomplishment to me, because I never believed he would actually follow through with the plans we made. I had gone through too many painful times waiting around for him to show up, and he wouldn’t, waiting on phone calls that never came, believing in false promises that were always broken. So when he showed up, it was a miracle (yes, I have super low standards sometimes). And not only did he show up, but he showed me the best time a girl could have, having made prior reservations at our dinner destination, having gone to the place itself to make sure it was suitable to my standards (which by the way, he assumed were high on his own), and making sure that my night was perfect. 

I realized that he had been trying to make up to me all the things that went wrong in our past. He told me that before we met, asking for a second chance and what not, but it didn’t really hit me until I was sitting across him and it dawned on me: “People do mature, and it is possible to see a different side of them.” I really had a beautiful time with TF, in part because I have always had a soft spot for him and being with him after so many years was nice, but also because I felt totally comfortable around him. One thing I always liked about him was his lack of judgment, which gave me the freedom to be completely and entirely myself. In all of the years we had known each other, he had never once criticized me, fought with me or raised his voice at me. And seeing that was truly refreshing. Beautiful. 

But as our night came to a close, I realized that I had wanted to leave it at that. I didn’t want to turn an old page again because for the first time since I had known him, we were on the best possible note we could ever get to. I saw him in a beautiful positive light, and that was enough for me. I wanted to freeze that memory of him and move forward with my life. So I sent him on his way and asked him not to contact me again. It wasn’t easy, but I felt like it was the right thing to do. I was pleased with my decision and believed I had finally closed the page on TF. 

WRONG. A few days later, I got together with my girlfriends and told them what happened on my date with TF. Beaming with excitement, I saw their eyes sparkle as I told them the details of the romance he put in to our night. When I told them how I had ended things with him, they completely disagreed with me. And after much back and forth debate, they convinced me it was worth a second shot with him.

TF had messaged me since our date a few times, telling me that he had a difficult time forgetting about our night. So I ended up talking to him again and asking him what a second chance would look like - what the second chance he had asked me for meant. I told him to think about it carefully and get back to me, because I didn’t want us to move backwards yet again. Not to bore you with the details, I’ll fast forward: With time, I realized that nothing had really changed. He still wasn’t interested in taking me, or us, seriously, and that he had just wanted me in his life as like a… whatever thing. Someone to talk to when he’s lonely, or someone to talk to when he was feeling “emotional” (his words, not mine). 

I appreciated his honesty and truly appreciated that in the first time since we had known each other, we were able to have an adult conversation and draw rational conclusions (well, sometimes anyway). But I couldn’t be just a “whatever” thing with him. Although I was not looking for anything serious at the time, I couldn’t be just casual, or “friends,” with TF. I think we just had too much history to settle for that and given all the shit he had put me through, it would be all or nothing. Otherwise, it just wasn’t worth it to me. 

So one day, I just stopped picking up his calls. I know it’s rude, but he’s the type who doesn’t get the point otherwise (even then, he still doesn’t get it). And months later, we got in touch, yet again (if by this point you’re thinking I’m a total idiot, you’re 100% on point). Needless to say, it didn’t end well. After a few days of talking again, I realized that of course not much had changed. They say that insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over again and expecting different results. It hit me, and I decided I was done. 

And genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, for the sanity of my mind, from the stupidity of my decisions, I truly hope, that this time, I am done.

Kisses and hugs, 

DS