3aib! And The City.

An everyday girl who happens to be a psychologist

The Fast and the Charmingly Furious - Part 2

20th January 2012 - 7 mins read

My dearest readers, I hope the fairest of all days fall upon you. 

I left off last post after the night I had met Sully in a way most people would consider unconventional and perhaps even inappropriate. Some would even shake their head disapprovingly from left to right as if I had committed a crime, saying: “What are you doing with your life?!” Well, lucky for me, I am not like most people. 

Sully and I hit it off very easily. He was laid-back, funny and seemingly nice. We spent the first few days getting to know each other either by chatting on BBM or talking on the phone. What I liked about him from the start was that it was very easy to talk to him about anything. We could have a long, serious conversation or a casual one that put a smile on my face. 

In the first few days of getting to know Sully, I had still felt a little uneasy about the way we had met. There was a little part of me that wondered if the way Sully followed me on the road meant that he was going to be an unserious guy who was just having some fun or perhaps just did so as a way to pass his boredom. I decided to put my concerns to rest and just directly ask him how he expected me to feel about the way he approached me. One day during a phone call, I said to him something like: “How do you expect me to take you seriously when you chased me halfway through the streets of the city? Do you think that’s appropriate?” And Sully said: “Look, I’m a guy in my late 20s. I went to an all-boys school, an all-boys university and am now working in a mostly all-male environment. For guys like me, asking girls on the street for their number is one of the few options I have for meeting girls. I can’t just go up to a girl at a restaurant or a coffee shop. That is considered inappropriate.” 

I’m not sure if that was Sully’s way of saying what I wanted to hear or if there was any real truth to his logic. Either way, I found it pretty convincing. The reason I typically don’t mind these unconventional ways of meeting guys is because I justify it like this: If I’m a normal girl looking for love, there are normal guys out there also looking for love. And with our limited options of meeting potential partners, we tend to resort to other creative means. For me, it has always been about the approach of the guy himself as opposed to the place or time that he approached me, even if it means that I could end up being wrong. Some would say that I am too idealistic and too trusting of people, but with Sully, I had no reason not to believe him. I always trust people until they prove otherwise and this time, it was no different. 

So we spent a few days getting to know each other and though I wouldn’t always hear from him, he’d surprise me with a three-hour phone call on a random weeknight and I’d find myself talking to him indefinitely, not feeling for a second that I was bored or wanted to get off the phone. I quickly developed a crush on him and couldn’t wait to get to know him better over casual dinner or a cup of coffee. There was only one problem with Sully. A few weeks had gone by, and he had never asked me out. He didn’t ask to see me for coffee or dinner, which I found completely bizarre. In my mind, it’s a very simple equation. You meet someone that you think is cute, or you find interesting, logic says that you would want to see them again. You have a desire to get to know them better in person and based on that, you’d see if you have potential of getting into a relationship with them. That is what I consider to be normal human logic, unless I’m an alien of sorts, in which case you should ignore what I say. 

I played around with the thought in my head and wondered: “Was Sully ‘playing hard to get’?” It seemed to me like he was, which was an entirely new idea to my head, because I thought, “Wait a second… I’M the GIRL. If anyone is going to ‘play hard to get’ IT SHOULD BE ME!” But I couldn’t. This concept is one that I have never believed in and one that I could never apply. And every time I have tried to do it, I have failed miserably. I find it to be very deceptive, insincere and childish, and never understood the joy in “reeling in a man” with a game, neither would I appreciate being with a man who falls for tricks and cons like that. I’m a fan of honesty and being yourself and if the person you are with doesn’t appreciate that, then they are obviously not the right person for you. 

If Sully succeeded at one thing with me, it was confusing my mind, which begged the question: “Is he a professional player?” I wouldn’t hear from him for a few days, then he’d call me as if everything in the world was fine. I was trying to understand him, but couldn’t. He chased me halfway through the streets of the city and practically begged me for my number, but once I gave it to him, he never asked me out. I wouldn’t hear from him for a long time, but then he’d call me and talk to me for hours, making me feel like he was interested in me and that he had started to like me. Because I assume that other human beings also have brains, I tend to assume that they are also normal in the head. I can understand if I meet a guy who just wants that “one thing” and upon refusing to give it to him, he would disappear. I can also understand going on a date or two with a guy, discovering that he’s just not that into me or that he wasn’t really feeling me, and I don’t hear from him again. That to me is fine. I can live with that. It’s this behavior from Mars that Sully was giving me that I just couldn’t understand. 

I didn’t want to seem like the insanely clingy type of girl, so I waited patiently for Sully to ask me out. I thought that maybe he had been busy or that he wanted to get to know me a little better first. I dropped a few subtle hints here and there about it, but I never directly asked to meet up with him, because he was the one who chased me, so he should make the first move. I know this is a little bit of a childish way to deal with it, but I have an insecurity about this stuff. I don’t like to make the first move because down the line, if there’s a relationship with the guy, I don’t want to be blamed for having been “pushy” at the beginning. But after about two or three weeks of being patient, I lost it. I ended up snapping at Sully and saying something to him along the lines of: “I don’t understand what you want from me. Once you figure it out, come back and let me know.” 

And I never heard from him after that. I tried reaching out to him one or two other times asking if I had done something wrong, but he completely ignored me. I don’t remember the details of exactly how it happened anymore, but it was something like that. I had waited on him to initiate a hangout or a first date, and it just never happened. Yet, he was still calling me and talking to me like he was interested. During the time we talked, he never gave me any indication that he was weird or a creep, yet I just couldn’t figure him out. Until this very day, I still don’t know what happened. Perhaps he just wanted a phone buddy or a back-up woman in case he got bored. Perhaps Sully was after “the thrill of the chase,” another concept I never understood or believed in. To me, it’s like, “Thrill of the chase? What do I look like to you? A FORMULA 1 RACECAR?” What I did know was I didn’t like what had happened and having him around was going to be a complete waste of time, so I got out when it was still early enough to back out without any damage. 

Some people would say that it’s my fault for “getting involved with someone like that in a way like that.” While they might be right, I still stand by my unconventional methods. I don’t chase after these strange ways of meeting men, but if an opportunity comes about, I’m not so quick to dismiss it. Simply put, if you keep a little bit of an open mind about these things, you never know what the outcome could be. And if you keep an open eye over the person themselves and read their signals to define if they are worth your time or not, you’ll find yourself sometimes pleasantly surprised. 

Now I am not preaching that you should go out there and meet people on the streets. It takes a lot of strength and an open mind to a high probability of failure to be able to do something like that. I’m very different than most people in this sense and my circumstances, background and personality have all contributed to my many different experiences in some not-so-normal ways. I have made many, MANY mistakes, a lot of which I am not at all proud of, and it has taken me a very long time to learn these lessons in the very difficult way, which you will hear about in the many blogposts to come. 

Like I have said many times before, I do not have all (or any) of the answers. Just like everyone else, I’m confused as hell about all of this love and marriage stuff and am in the process of discovering myself, making several mistakes in the process. My advice is based on my own opinion and experiences, even though I sometimes find myself unable to apply it, and I hope that no one takes any of it as a rule. You get to make up your own rules. 

It takes a lot to become the kind of woman who knows how to weed out the good from the bad. And at least for now, I’m trying. 

Kisses and hugs, 

DS