19th March 2012 - 5 mins read
I woke up the next morning after my break up with Charles and an unsettling feeling fostered in my heart throughout the day. Something felt wrong. I wondered: “Who breaks up with someone after seven months that way? A hug and just ‘have a nice life?!’ This makes no sense.” The puzzle was missing a piece and neither my heart, nor my mind, would give up without finding it.
By the early evening on Monday, I had already missed him and couldn’t get him off my mind. I texted him a heartfelt message, which he reciprocated. But that wasn’t good enough for me. I wanted my closure. I asked Charles if I could see him just one last time and promised I wouldn’t bother him ever again after that. I’m the type of girl who has way too much dignity to go after someone who doesn’t want me. For me, when it’s over - that’s it. But there were just some things I wanted to get off my chest and that would be it.
On Tuesday, less than forty eight hours after our break up, I met up with Charles. I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t the type of girl that would walk away if my man was going through a difficult time. I wanted to tell him that if he wanted space or time, I was ready to give it to him. I wanted to tell him how much he meant to me and if it was support he wanted, he’d have it. That’s what I wanted to say. But that’s not what I said.
When I saw Charles, I decided I would tell him about what happened with Rose on Wednesday, just one week before this exact moment. I thought I’d tell him that and when he would naturally dismiss her behavior as weird, I’d go on with what I wanted to say. Like a child who speaks with a heart full of naivete, I told Charles in full innocence and lack of suspicion. You see, just a few weeks before this night I made a joke to Charles about him cheating on me and he reacted furiously. He told me: “Don’t ever joke about cheating, I would never ever cheat on you. You know why? Because it has happened to me and I’d NEVER do it to anyone else.” So that night, I said to him: “I thought I’d just let you know what happened just so you know this random girl is going around calling you her boyfriend.” His jaw dropped and his face flipped in a matter of a second. I stared solemnly at him and said: “What’s wrong?” He said: “Rose and I have history.”
“What history? I met you three months after you moved here,” I uttered as I felt my heart shred to a million pieces. Charles spoke and every word he said stabbed my heart deeper. I couldn’t grasp what he was saying because he couldn’t articulate his thoughts logically. It was something like: “I met her first, but she didn’t like me, then I met you, and then she liked me, and then I fell in love with you, but then I liked her, but then I didn’t wanna leave you, but I had to choose between you both, and I chose her, but she’s not my girlfriend,” and so on. It was a slur of incoherent thoughts being thrown at me, each carrying a world of pain. He then tried convincing me that we weren’t exclusive, but I snapped at him in rage and said: “Don’t give me that title technicality bullshit. We were exclusive and you know that.” He shut up. I was right.
Without thought, the next words that came out of my mouth were: “Did anything happen with you two while we were together?” Charles looked at me and said: “I kissed her.” I asked: “When? How? I was with you almost every day. When I traveled for three days? When?” He wouldn’t answer me. I persisted. Finally, with words full of guilt, he looked up at me and said: “Yesterday.” No words will ever describe how crushed I was. More incoherent babble came out of Charles’s mouth, some of which included that he kissed her because he was “trying to forget about me.” I was so stupid that I believed him for half a second, and said to him that if he had slipped and made a mistake, I would be willing to overlook it and give us another shot. God, I was so stupid.
My mind was spinning out of control with questions and curiosity but my heart froze in its pain. I couldn’t believe that less than one day after we broke up, he was already with another girl. I didn’t believe him either that nothing happened with them while we were together, because relationships don’t develop in less than 24 hours. There was more to the story that he wouldn’t tell me. I pushed hard to find out, but he wouldn’t speak. I talked for a while and I accused him of cheating on me. I told him that if he was thinking about another girl while he was with me, even if “nothing happened”, it was emotional cheating. As for “not doing anything with her” until we broke up, I told him it was bullshit. In technicality, yes, he was broken up with me. But relationships aren’t a business contract, you still owe your ex some form of decency, especially less than a day later.
I went on and on that night about how upset I was. “How could you?” was the question stuck on repeat in my mind. I told Charles that I never gave him a reason to cheat or to look for something elsewhere. I was good to him, never caused him trouble and made his life Heaven on Earth. I reminded him of all of this and he listened in silence, his face quivering with guilt. I told him that it was even worse that I gave him a chance to walk away two weeks earlier and he refused. He didn’t need to let it go to this, but he did. He could have just walked away when I gave him the chance. I ended up telling him everything I had initially wanted to say to him, adding that everything he had said to me two days before was officially a cold-hearted lie. That our entire relationship as of now, was a lie. I was burning with pain and I wanted Charles to see just how bad it was, so I forced myself to cry. I’m the type of girl who rarely ever cries but when I do, it melts even the coldest of all stones in heartbreak. And I made sure Charles saw that. He tried to calm me down but I cried even harder out of spite. There were no more words to be said.
In my bittersweet confusion and pain, I told Charles that I forgave him for what he did. I couldn’t be mad at him despite how badly I wanted to. I wish I could have been strong enough to slap him and walk off, but I didn’t. With tears in my eyes and sorrow in my heart, I fell deep into his arms instead. I got my closure from him that night, feeling somewhat grateful that I would not end up with an asshole like him who held the capacity to hurt me that way. I would miss him deeply but I would be at comfort knowing I was better off without him, that I dodged a bullet. In fact, I pitied him for the situation he got himself into. He would now have to live with himself, but I got to walk away knowing I had not wronged or hurt anyone.
I left that night at peace, closing the book on Charles for good. But to my surprise, just four days later, the pages were rewritten to open the book again. And this time around, all hell would break loose.
Kisses and hugs,