3aib! And The City.

An everyday girl who happens to be a psychologist

It's Not Me, It's You. No, Really. - Part 1

18th February 2012 - 8 mins read

My dearest readers, welcome back. I have missed you. 

Once Charles and I had gotten over the awkward first stage of our relationship with a few minor glitches here and there, we couldn’t have been happier. With time, I had come to realize that he was everything I wanted in a man and more. He was funny, smart, extremely handsome, came from a great family, successful, social, loving, compassionate and the list goes on. I often caught myself wondering how I ended up with such a great guy. I think there’s a part of me that always feels like I don’t deserve it. 

I mentioned in my earlier post that I always felt that I was more invested in our relationship than Charles was but at this point, we had been together for seven months and the scales had finally tipped off in balance. I was still a little more caring than he was, but that’s just how I am as a person with everyone in my life. Charles and I only had one problem that I was strongly in denial over and in retrospect is what I think dragged on our relationship further than it should have. When I was upset over something, I could never confront him. I had spent my entire relationship with TF screaming at the top of my lungs and I hated being that person. When I got with Charles, I promised myself I would never let myself get to that state. But I was so paranoid that it put me in a state of completely shutting up, creating an angelic peace of mind for him at all times. I let go too easily of my rights in our relationship. Way too easily. 

When I finally mustered up enough courage to speak to Charles, it always went smoothly. In a way, I found that my excessive silence was productive because whenever I did confront him, it was so rare and peaceful that it didn’t strain the smooth sailing nature of our relationship. And this made me comfortable. I knew that if I was ever truly bothered about anything, it would eventually come out in a mature, calm manner, and Charles responded so well to it. He had even told me that he’s the type of guy who doesn’t like anger and yelling in a relationship problem and that he prefers that both parties calmed down before talking to each other about it. Despite my feisty nature, I had found a way for us to deal with conflict that suited us both. What more could I have wanted? 

I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Charles. Even though I didn’t love him yet, and I didn’t feel insane butterflies in my stomach with him, I knew he was comfortable. I knew he would be able to make me happy forever and that we could withstand the test of time. He was mature and responsible and not the type of guy to get into a relationship just for the heck of it. Though TF and I had the crazy chemistry, everything about us was wrong. With Charles, it was the opposite. We liked each other enough to want to be together, but we were able to handle a real relationship too. Somehow though, it was only a matter of time before reality truly struck and I began to realize that while he was a good guy, he wasn’t interested in getting married any time soon. I remember that he had moved into a new place with his best friend in the street right behind mine and as housewarming present to them both, I had gotten them a home theater system. He had a very difficult time accepting it, and I began to wonder if he was feeling guilty because he had already known we weren’t going to last together. Many other things gave me this indication and knowing that I had wanted a future with him, I decided to finally break my silence and express my concerns. 

About four days before Valentine’s Day in 2010, I met with Charles on a weekday evening and talked to him. Very rationally and very calmly, I said: “I can’t believe I’m actually saying this to you, but I don’t think we should be together anymore. You’re a great guy and we have an amazing relationship, which is why this is so weird for me. People usually break up when things are going bad, not well. But we want different things and there’s no point in us being together when we want opposite paths. We’re both just going to get hurt.” Charles was shocked and upset and confused. He refused to have the conversation with me and kept repeating over and over that he didn’t want to lose me. I was going to travel that weekend and I urged him to take some time and really think about it while I was away, but he refused. “I have nothing to think about. I don’t want to lose you. There’s nothing else for us to discuss,” he assured me. I insisted that he should still take some time while I was away and think and that if he needed more time to think about it when I had gotten back, I would be happy to give it to him. I was very much “in like” with Charles and the last thing I had wanted was to let him go. But even more, I didn’t want to see myself inevitably get hurt in a dead-end relationship. 

The next week when I returned, I asked Charles if he had wanted to spend some more time thinking about it and he said that he knew for sure he didn’t want to let me go. He later surprised me with a very nice present and things seemed to be perfect between us. It was the first time he had made the effort to get me a romantic present and I was deeply touched. That week, his brother and best friends had flown in from out of town and were going to spend two weeks with him. I had a great time with all of them and they repeatedly said to me: “You’re the one. You’re the girl for Charles. It’s you.” And hearing that from the closest people to his heart only made me happier. 

On the second to last day before his friends left, Charles and I made plans to go out that night so I could spend time with them before they headed out. I was going to stop by and see some friends first in a nearby restaurant then go meet them. We spoke at 8:00 p.m. that Wednesday night and agreed that I would give him a call after I left the restaurant to find out where he was and go meet him. That night I was with Adrianna and we were going to meet some of her friends. We parked the car at 8:45 p.m. and Adrianna got a call from her friend Nadine already seated inside at the restaurant. 

Adrianna looked confused as Nadine said things to her she couldn’t grasp. She kept looking at me and I knew that something was off. Once she hung up, she looked at me and said: “Okay, I need to tell you something, but please don’t freak out because it makes no sense. You know Charles’s friend Rose? Apparently she knows Nadine and was just sitting inside with Nadine and the rest of them. Nadine told Rose that you know her through your boyfriend Charles and Rose responded by saying: ‘Hmmm, funny DS would say that. Charles is my boyfriend,’ before getting up to leave, claiming she was off to meet with Charles.” 

My heart began pounding. It was the last thing I would have expected for Charles to be two-timing me with another girl. But the problem was that the story made no sense at all. If Rose really had said that, she would not have been so oblivious to the fact that Nadine had just told her Charles was my boyfriend and wouldn’t have just walked off with a smile without a care in the world. Additionally, Nadine had never been in the picture. In our seven months of dating, I had only seen her twice and as far as I knew, she was only Charles’s friend from an extended social circle. All his friends and even his two brothers and his sister all knew me as Charles’s girlfriend. There was no way anyone else was in the picture because I saw Charles almost every night of the week. It was all too weird. 

Over the next hour as I sat in the restaurant, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to panic or not. I was definitely upset, but way too confused to begin to make sense of what happened. I tried calling and texting Charles to see where we would meet, but he didn’t respond. This only enflamed my panic state. I asked Pixie to call him and ask to meet him to say bye to his friends too, but he blew her off and insisted she could see them later. She messaged me saying: “Sorry DS, your boyfriend is being sketchy.” I continued to wear a smile on my face throughout the evening while socializing with everyone even though I was breaking down inside. I tried to blow off my cynical side and wait to hear an explanation from him, but I couldn’t. I knew something was wrong and it was killing me. 

Charles returned my calls that night four and a half hours after I had initially tried contacting him. I was quiet. When he asked what was wrong, I told him that I didn’t like that he ignored my calls when we had plans to meet. He defensively said: “My phone wasn’t near me all night and the place was loud. Come on DS, I picked up your best friend’s call, why would I intentionally ignore you?” I wasn’t convinced of what he was saying but I decided to let it slide just until his friends had left two days later. It wouldn’t make a difference when we talked about it and since what happened with Rose was all too ridiculous to be true, I decided there was no point in ruining his last two nights with his friends and his brother. 

The next day we all went out for dinner and Rose came along too. I left early and Rose stayed behind up, though Charles said that she was leaving too and was just waiting for her car to come through the valet. I also ignored it that night and the next day, a Friday night, Charles and I drove his friends and brother to the airport, said goodbyes and left. In the car, Charles said to me: “I know you’re upset, let’s go have coffee somewhere.” We talked that night and Charles assured me that I had no reason to be upset. In fact, he was so convinced that he had done nothing wrong that he made me feel stupid for even making a fuss. He turned it into “I didn’t do anything wrong and I apologized anyway. If you want to believe me, go ahead. If not, it’s up to you, but I didn’t do anything wrong.” I was still entirely confused about the Rose scenario but it was so absurd that I decided not to mention it at all. Having successfully made me feel like a complete idiot and too much of a cyan, I also dropped the issue that night and we made peace. 

On Sunday afternoon at work, I got an e-mail from Charles. As soon as I saw the e-mail, my heart skipped a beat. It was unusual for him to e-mail me as opposed to texting me, which indicated something was off. 

Charles: “What are you doing tonight?” 

Me: “Oh, I’m free, what did you have in mind?” 

Charles: “I wanna talk to you about something.” 

Me: “Don’t freak me out. What’s going on?” 

Charles: “No don’t worry, nothing’s wrong. I just really feel like going for a walk with you and talking.” 

I read those words and I knew. Charles was going to break up with me tonight. 

To be continued…