3aib! And The City.

An everyday girl who happens to be a psychologist

I Love You, I Hate You, I Love You, I Hate You

29th October 2011 - 7 mins read

My dearest, loveliest readers, my reason for writing and happiness, welcome back. 

Writing this blog has been very interesting for me because it’s taking me back on a journey of my past experiences - the good and the bad. It’s helped me put things into perspective in terms of how far I’ve come on topics of dating, men and of course… love. Now, I’m not going to get into a long boring speech about what love is and what it isn’t because I’ve realized this: Love is intangible. You cannot describe it in terms of words, actions or expectations. And it changes with different experiences and different people. What I do know is this: Do not let anyone define for you what love should or should not be. Find your own meaning for it and don’t make it absolute. Always know that it can change at any time. For me personally, love is when you’re with a certain person, you feel like you have everything in the world and every moment with that person - you want it to last forever. 

But then there’s chemistry. If you have had a chemistry-based relationship with someone, then you will understand very well what it is. It is an attractiveness to someone that you can’t control. It makes you feel like you knew this person in another lifetime. Though you do not necessarily have to love someone you have strong chemistry with, there is one thing that is certain: That chemistry with a person drives you absolutely crazy - crazy emotions and crazy actions. And usually, it gets you in a lot of trouble. 

I had the most unexplained chemistry on this planet with TF (remember the ex-boyfriend I ran away from in the mall? Yes, him). From the first day we met, I was so unbelievably attracted to him and all I knew about him was his name. When we got to know one another and started dating, I started realizing that we were the two most unfit people for one another. We literally disagreed on everything. Many love stories they tell you that opposites attract and with TF, I got to experience the truth meaning of it. It’s true they do attract but what they forget to tell you in the movies is that while opposites attract, they also repel. They repel to a degree so high that you fantasize about stabbing yourself with a knife repeatedly as a form of stress relief. TF and I fought all the time. I rarely ever got to see him or talk to him because he lived in another city and almost every time we did talk, we fought. Though he made some unforgivable mistakes with me, the bigger reason we fought was because as people, we didn’t click. Logically, our characters didn’t match. But our feelings? We were crazy about one another. 

After about three months of dating one another, I decided that I could no longer be with TF. Our relationship had gotten so bad to the point that it was toxic for me. I would get so angry with him that I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on studying or my work. I would be in a blinding state of rage with him that resulted in a lot of yelling, screaming and name-calling. I was in a continuous state of pain, sadness and high blood pressure with TF. I wasn’t that type of person, nor did I want to be and I decided to end it with him. But every time I tried to break up with him, it would fail miserably because our chemistry would bring us right back to each other. Neither one of us could resist. And to be honest, TF’s persistence after every break up was admirable. He would call me 19 to 20 times a day somedays and I found it almost impossible to resist. After ignoring or rejecting his calls for a day or two, I would always end up giving in and picking up. Even if my mind told me a million times that TF was literally the source of all my misery, my heart always made my decisions for me. An after dating for three months, it took us about another two months to fully break up. 

For one reason or the other, after TF and I had finally broken up for good, I started feeling very guilty. I would sit down for hours at a time just replaying all the details of our relationship trying to understand what went wrong. TF was my first real boyfriend and thus it was my first proper break up. It was my first experience of reminiscence and trying to find closure in a failed relationship, which was very difficult for me. I knew in my mind and my heart that our relationship had gone sour because TF failed to put in the same effort I had put in, even though I had brought it to his attention several times that we had issues we needed to work out. I have to admit too that TF and I had broken up so many times that the concept of me being so upset that I wanted to leave him lost its value. With time, because I had done it so many times, I think he had stopped taking me seriously and assumed that no matter what he did to me, I would always take him back. Despite all of this, I found a way to blame myself for what happened between us. I somehow felt that even though I had all the right reasons to be mad at TF, I didn’t like the way I handled it. I felt that I had been way too harsh with him in expressing my anger. But trust me, a few weeks down the line when I post a story on the things TF did to me, you will agree that I was within my right. 

In seeing me being so bothered and upset about the whole break up, Adrianna offered her help. She told me that TF might have been in a confused state because he could have run out of ways to fix our problems, even though he tried. She suggested speaking to him on my behalf in order to give him an outsider’s perspective on our relationship. Seeing that there was no other solution to work things out with him, I agreed. You might be reading this and wondering, “Obviously this relationship was not worth all this effort. It’s obvious here that the two of you don’t match and no matter what you do, you’re not going to work out together.” This is true. TF and I never stood a chance to have a long-term relationship but I didn’t see this at the time. We have this theory and fear that there are very few people out there that we can have real chemistry with so we think that when we find it, we have to hold on to it for dear life. This is a very common misconception as chemistry comes very easily with many different people. I only learned this with experience. 

I gave Adrianna his number and she messaged him pretending that she had gotten his number from my phone behind my back. She started talking to him about us and as you would predict, she wasn’t able to reach any concrete solution with TF. But during the time they were speaking, I noticed something strange was going on. Every time TF spoke to Adrianna, he avoided the topic of me and proceeded to ask her a lot of questions about herself, almost as if he was trying to get to know her. On every occasion that TF and Adrianna spoke or messaged, I would be sitting right next to her on speakerphone. TF didn’t know this as he thought I had no idea they were speaking and therefore completely ignored the fact that both Adrianna and I eventually picked up on the strange things going on: TF was actually hitting on her. From the beginning of the time they spoke, TF never had any intention of discussing our relationship and decided that he would try his luck with Adrianna instead, who by the way until this very day, he has never met in person. 

Adrianna quickly shut him down and we agreed to put the situation behind us and laugh about it. We didn’t have any concrete evidence that he was hitting on her except for his somewhat flirtatious way of talking to her and his interest in getting to know her better. A few months later, TF and I spoke once again and my weak heart gave him another chance. Of course after failing for the 3,845,398,983,721th time, I decided I was done for real this time. When I told this to Adrianna, she said to me: “Good. DS, I didn’t want to tell you this before but TF was directly hitting on me and asked me out to dinner.” While I was upset, I was more relieved that we had finally been over and I could begin to move on. 

As I usually do with my girls, I told Ellie what Adrianna had told me about TF and she went very quiet. The next thing I know, Ellie says to me: “Listen, I also have something to tell you about TF but I was scared to before. On your second date with him, when his friend, Pixie and I had gone to dinner with you guys, TF was hitting on me too. You were standing right there talking to Pixie and he asked me for my number. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this before, but it was very early on in your relationship and I dismissed it as him being stupid. Since it never happened again, I didn’t think there was a reason to tell you and hurt you.” 

Talk about a never-ending, recurring nightmare. And if you think this was the last time I had ever been involved with TF… think again. 

Kisses and hugs, 

DS