3aib! And The City.

An everyday girl who happens to be a psychologist

How to Lose a Girl in Ten Seconds

29th August 2011 - 8 mins read

My dearest readers, greetings to you all.

I have been talking a lot about relationships with the people around me lately. People of all age groups and backgrounds in relationships, engagements, marriages, break-ups and divorces. I’ve been talking and listening to relationship talk so much for the past couple of weeks that my head actually hurts. I have not been in many relationships in my life, but I’ve had many experiences and have heard the experiences of many others. After all that, I will admit that I do not know everything about relationships. In fact, I probably don’t know that much at all. However, I do know this: Relationships are a headache. They are problems. They are hard work. Sometimes, I feel like I am much better off being single. And sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like the many different things that happen to me are actually better than a real relationship because at least I can laugh about my “dating world” problems. (And laugh I shall).

To illustrate my point, let me tell you the story of this guy I was sort of…. “seeing.” This guy, let’s call him Roy, was sincerely the biggest joke of my entire life. Our “relationship” was only three weeks long and was so casual to the point that it practically didn’t exist. We had met through our two best friends who were dating and we were both in it just to have some fun. Roy was studying abroad and was visiting during his winter vacation, so we both knew that what we had for each other was simply a physical attraction - nothing more, nothing less - and I mean that in every sense of the word.

I am the type of girl who can get along with anyone. Really, anyone. I’m extremely social and can strike up a conversation with any person on God’s Earth. It doesn’t matter if they are a child or a grandpa, from China or Canada, a top corporate executive or a yoga instructor. I can talk to anyone. But for some reason, I could not stand the existence of Roy. His very presence irritated me so bad that I would have preferred to repeatedly stab myself in the face and jump off a cliff, die, come back to life and do it all over again than be in his company. It wasn’t so bad between us when I first met him but towards the end of our three weeks of knowing each other, I couldn’t stand to be around him for one second longer. We were simply physically attracted to each other and hung out as a group with our other two friends that were dating and some of our other friends.

It wasn’t long before I discovered why I hated Roy so much. The man had absolutely no social decorum. When he opened his mouth, the words that flew out were disgraceful enough to destroy a few hundred nations. Nothing he ever spoke of posed any significance to the continuation of the human race. And on top of all that, he was extremely rude. Do not be fooled if you meet Roy - When he speaks, he sounds like a nice guy. However, give him a little bit of privacy and the rudeness of the most ill-mannered creature would be sure to present itself.

One time, Roy picked me up and we went driving around. At this point, we had known each other quite well and had gone out a few times. In the midst of our drive, Roy starts asking me random questions about what food I like to eat, to which he responds, “I can tell you really like food.” I knew that he was connoting that perhaps I should lose weight, but he hadn’t said it straight up so I ignored his idiotic comment. Later on that night, Roy and I engaged in a physical activity and all of a sudden, Roy looks at me and says: “Baby, you really should lose weight.”

If there were a shotgun handy at the time this happened with Roy, this story would end with, “And then I shot the idiot.” Unfortunately, I did not have a shotgun. I didn’t even have enough anger to slap him. Roy was so insignificant to me that I didn’t even care to care. Really, I found it laughable. But now, so many years down the line, here I am telling you all this story to tell you this. Any human being with an ant running around in their head instead of their brain would know better than to tell a girl that. It could possibly be the rudest thing a guy could say to a girl. Now, it’s different if you are with a girl for a long period of time and you say something like that to her out of concern for her. That’s fine and completely acceptable to me. But if you’ve only known the girl for five minutes, then shut your mouth. Further, do not ask out a girl if you are not physically attracted to her. Leaving Roy’s blatant rudeness aside, I do not understand why he approached me if he found me unattractive. Why bother? It’s not like he fell madly in love with my soul so he couldn’t help himself. I had a better relationship with my doormat than I had with him. So simply, why? Why go out of your way to get with me if you find me unattractive?! I will never understand. Recognizing Roy’s abnormal stupidity, I completely brushed off his idiotic comment and decided that if I were to respond, I would be making myself an even bigger idiot than the one sitting across from me. Of course in my head, I was yelling: “WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO TELL ME TO LOSE WEIGHT? I COULD SLAP YOU RIGHT NOW, YOU IDIOT. HOW ABOUT YOU GROW A BRAIN FIRST?”

At another instance, Roy and I went out for coffee with our friends. All I ordered that night was a latte. Even if it were the most expensive restaurant in the world, the latte would not have cost more than $10. But it was even cheaper than that. When the bill came, I told myself that there’s not a chance in hell I wanted Roy to pay for me. I don’t like the fact that a “guy has to pay” but I will let it slide if it’s a guy I am seriously dating. Someone like Roy? Never. As everyone took out their wallets to pay, I handed Roy the equivalent of $35 in the currency of our country. We played the whole “No, no, please, it’s on me” game for a few seconds until I finally slapped the money on the table and said, “Please, I insist.” Considering that I was paying for myself and that all I had ordered was a latte, I expected my change back. But I got nothing back. I watched as Roy put the $35 in his wallet and got up to leave. I sat there in amazement as I watched this man outright steal the rest of my money. Of course it wasn’t a direct theft, but in my mind, till this very day, I consider it as stealing.

As I counted down the days to Roy’s departure, I could not be happier that he was leaving to continue his education abroad. It was the most pointless three weeks of myself. I know you’re thinking that it’s my fault for associating myself with such a person, but Roy was a guinea pig to me. He was the second guy I ever “dated” and it was around the time that I was being… stupid. I wasn’t thinking straight and was simply experimenting to learn more about boys and dating. The real criminal here is men like Roy. While I should not associate myself with such people, such people should not exist in the first place. Those who do not have a brain or manners should not have a place in our society. They should all be banished to Rude Town. So, after three long weeks, Roy left back home. I was relieved never to have to speak to or hear from Roy again, only to have him call me two days after landing in his country abroad. I do not understand why to this very day he called me. Really, I’m 100% confident that there were no feelings involved. He called me one other time after that and I finally slept at peace, thinking this would be the last I ever heard of Roy.

I was wrong. A few months later Roy came to town for a visit and called me. It was the most shocking call I had ever gotten in my life because I truly anticipated that he would never want to see me again. I shut him out quickly because I had a boyfriend at the time and in complete honesty, I had no interest of ever even hearing his name again. Time passed as the days turned to weeks and the weeks turned to months, only to find myself running into Roy one night when I was out with Ellie. That night, I was out with my boyfriend at the time, who I had started hating, but more on that later, and I had a slight change of heart. I have forgotten to mention that Roy was very handsome and had a great smile. Seeing him that night was refreshing in comparison to the horrible guy I was dating. But I wasn’t the only one who noticed Roy’s looks that night. It seemed that Ellie too had taken an interest in him and after many long arguments between her and I, we agreed that Ellie could go for him if she wanted. I had remembered how much I despised Roy and no matter how cute he looked, I could not get back with him. Plus, Ellie and I had a mini-competition for him and she won. So, I respectfully admitted defeat and let Ellie reap the rewards of her win.

In the meantime, Roy had began speaking to me again and very quickly, I realized he was interested in Ellie. Considering that their interest was mutual, I warned Ellie of his atrocious behavior with me but told her she had my forced blessing to have her chance with Roy. He didn’t understand how big of a joke he was in our lives, so he actually thought I would be upset or hurt if Ellie had dated him. In his fear of doing so, Roy devised the most genius strategy of asking me for my permission to take Ellie out. His exact words, or what I remember from them is, “How about you put in a good word for me with Ellie and I will put in a good word for you with my friend X? I could take Ellie out and X could take you out. What do you think?!” The poor idiot. He actually thought this would work on me. He actually thought that girls could be traded like cards in the games he played as a child. He actually thought I would be flattered. I would love to have been insulted but I found it too funny to care. I couldn’t believe the guts on this guy so I responded to Roy with a simple, “No, thank you, I don’t date my ex’s friends. But you have my blessing to take Ellie out.”

And thank God, I have never heard from Roy again. I know that this story sort of makes me sound cold-hearted and evil, but trust me, TRUST ME, you really, seriously, had to be there.

Kisses and hugs,