3aib! And The City.

An everyday girl who happens to be a psychologist

Friends With No Benefits

29th November 2011 - 5 mins read

A fair evening to you, my dearest readers. 

I have only been in love once in my life. Sid was the first and only love of my life. I was 14 years old. 

I am the type of girl that crushes very easily. In fact, I remember having my first crush when I was seven years old. I even remember writing him a love note. His name was John. Throughout the many years since John, I have always had a crush on one person or another. Sometimes, I have even had multiple crushes at the same time. It has always been in innocent good fun and most of the time vanished quickly after it had appeared. But when it comes to falling, I hardly ever do. And when I do, I fall hard. 

For the first two years I knew Sid, I knew I was head over heels for him. I was addicted to him. I didn’t want to do anything in my day except talk to him. And for most days, we spent hours and hours talking to one another. The strange thing about our friendship though was that it was purely online. Now I understand that makes me sound like a pathetic loser teenager kid (which I was by the way, a complete dork) who was just struck by online (Arab style) puppy love. But after all these years, I am still convinced that Sid is the only man I ever loved. 

For four years, Sid was in my life. Only after our third year of knowing each other, did our online friendship develop into a real-life interaction. But throughout those four years, my feelings for him never changed. I loved him just as much when I was 18 that I did when I was 14, which is why I am so convinced that I really did love him. At the age of 15, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life loving him. Though in the first half of our friendship we never met, we knew each other so well. And in this perfect man, there was only one problem. He never felt the same way about me. I knew he loved me too, but not the same way I felt for him. He loved me as a friend, as the sister he never had. He knew how I felt about him too. And after two years of being completely in love and completely heartbroken at the same time, I moved away. When I left the country, I decided I would leave Sid behind too so I could start a new life. 

After a year of living in another country, I found myself moving back and it wasn’t long before Sid and I had touched base again. Though I liked other guys in the year I was away, I don’t believe that I ever stopped loving him. This time around, we had a normal friendship where we talked on the phone, went out with each other and grew closer. I did not hold back with my love for Sid and did everything for him. I listened to him talk to me about his troubles. We stayed up all night on the phone with one another. I even cooked for him when he was craving food just like his mother’s. He even bought me my first iPod because he knew how badly I wanted one. Nothing ever changed in the way either one of us felt about one another and we both agreed that despite the fact that we loved each other in different ways, we didn’t want to lose our friendship. After four years of knowing each other, we were too close to let go. I especially knew I loved him then because I was happy to have him in my life in any way even if he did not reciprocate the romance I felt for him. I even helped him out with his girlfriend troubles because he loved this girl and wanted to marry her. And in seeing him happy, I was happy. 

But then one summer, I traveled for three months for vacation and things became weird with us. He wasn’t staying in touch with me and every time we talked, he was distant. It’s hard to recall the details of what happened now but I think I made a fuss about it once and decided to let it go until I got back from vacation. Once I returned, his distance and strange behavior stayed the same. I didn’t understand why he had such a sudden change of heart with me. I wondered if it was because he didn’t want to lead me on but after four years, this was nothing new. And he understood very well that I was perfectly happy loving him without him reciprocating. 

I patiently tolerated Sid’s change of heart for a few weeks but the longer I waited, the stranger he got with me. We had joined the same university and I adjusted my schedule to suit his so we could have the same breaks. I found out on the first day of classes that he had lied to me about being a smoker and I never understood why. We were never together and he had no reason to be lying to me about something so small. After a while, Sid’s distant behavior turned into jerk behavior and I had it with him. I tried talking to him several times just so I could understand what changed him, but he never gave me a chance to. I nagged and nagged and nagged and finally one day, he asked me to go shopping with him and discuss what was on my mind. When I told him that it was unpractical for us to discuss such an important matter while shopping, he responded saying: “Why? I can try on clothes and you can speak to me from behind the changing room.” I was done.   

One night, I got into a huge fight with him, sent him the most disgustingly depressing text message (so bad that I wanted to report myself to mandatory therapy) and told him that it was the end of us. He never responded to me and a friend of mine called me saying she had seen him out with friends, which meant he had his phone on him. I was devastated and heartbroken. I do not cry easily and that night, I cried for nine hours straight. I finally fell asleep and woke up the next day, with tears in my eyes, and spoke to Sid. We got into another huge argument, I switched off my computer and went back to sleep crying. 

We spoke another three weeks later on my birthday. When I asked him why he was messaging me though I had made it clear I didn’t want him in my life anymore, he told me that he thought I was joking. Later in that conversation, he said that his friend had “accidentally” read my message three weeks earlier and they both concluded that I was a psychotic stalker. After another two or three hours of arguing, I decided I really never wanted to speak to Sid again. And I never did. One time though, being his jerk self, he spotted me on campus while I was sitting with my friend. He had a cigarette in his hand, came over to me sitting on the bench and perched over my head like a vulture intentionally blowing the smoke in my face. I couldn’t bear to make eye contact with him so I kept my head down and asked him to go away. He started laughing and didn’t leave. My friend, God bless her, stepped in and yelled at him like a crazy mother watching over her kid would until he finally left. 

I got rid of everything that had the slightest reminder of Sid except for the iPod he had given me. Funnily enough, because this is just how somehow life works, that iPod got what it deserved and fell in the toilet by accident one day. It took me an entire year of heartache to finally get over him and move on to liking someone new. And in liking someone new, I found myself right where I started…. back in the deadly friend zone, which cursed me from the age of 14 to 21. But more on that later.  

Kisses and hugs,