3aib! And The City.

An everyday girl who happens to be a psychologist

CHEATER! Okay, Calm Down Everyone

26th December 2011 - 7 mins read

My lovely readers, as always, I welcome you back with open arms. 

There is something to be said for those who have had their hearts broken not once, not twice, but multiple times. If they get back up and continue looking for love, they are warriors. They are fighters and they will stop at nothing until they get what they want. And then, there’s my friends and I. We have surpassed the level of fighting into a new realm I like to call staring your pain in the eyes and laughing hysterically at it. 

Cheating. Such a horrible thing that even the word sounds scary. If you have been cheated on, then there’s no need for anyone to tell you what it feels like. If you haven’t, pray that you’ll never have to experience it. It is the single most destructive feeling in a relationship because no matter what the reason was, you will always feel like it was your fault, like you somehow weren’t good enough for the person that he or she had to go looking for it somewhere else. It will also make you question whether anything the person has ever said to you was true and will always make you doubt a future companion of yours. 

I have seen many cases of cheating around me and have personally been cheated on. And after a very long time of torturing myself about it, I’ve finally began understanding that cheating is not always about what meets the eye - your first assumption that the person is horribly evil and deserves to die. There are many reasons that drive someone to cheat and it doesn’t always mean that the cheater is a horrible person. Now before I say anything at all, let me make something very clear: There is never an excuse for cheating. I will never see it as something normal to do. All I’m saying, is that it’s more complicated than you think it is and that not everyone that cheats is the devil. 

First, let me define what I consider to be cheating. Men and women tend to define it differently and cheating comes in many different levels. But in my opinion, cheating could be one of two things: Emotional or physical. Typically, women will be more upset with emotional cheating and men will be more upset with physical cheating, though it is not a rule. Many women will say: “I don’t care if I find out he just had a one-night stand but if I find out he’s been having dinner with the same girl for the past couple of months, it will kill me.” Regardless, cheating is cheating, no matter how deeply you define it and whether it has to do with physical or emotional cheating, whether it’s a serious relationship or a marriage. Cheating is cheating. 

Are people aware of the damage that cheating can cause? Yes. You’d have to be maybe eight years old not to know how destructive cheating could to be to a relationship or your partner. And unless your partner is the devil in disguise, then know that no matter what he or she may say later, cheating is never an easy decision for them and will never make them feel good. It might in the short term, but in the long term, it will destroy their conscience (assuming they have one). So if it’s something so horrible, so painful and so destructive, why is it that almost every other person complains of either cheating or being cheated on? Have we become so morally corrupt as human beings that we wreak havoc left and right wherever we go without a single thought or consideration for those around us? Perhaps. But again, it’s a little more complicated than that. 

First off, the most obvious reason for cheating is lust, desire and temptation. In today’s world, there is nothing easier than finding an easy man or a woman willing to do whatever you may please with. If not through legitimate means then through a paid service (I hear there’s some form of home delivery service now for that too). So if you’re a person of weak character, it will be very hard for you to be committed to one person. And don’t be surprised to find this out about your partner - some people are very strong in some areas of their life and very weak in others. This might be their weakness. Though in my opinion this is pure greed, it still happens. 

On a deeper level though, most people cheat because they are not satisfied emotionally with a certain aspect of the relationship. This could be because of you or the partner themselves. Let me give you a few examples that would explain this better than me writing out the reasons. Men in their nature like feeling like they are in control. This reaffirms their belief in their existence and purpose on this planet. If they feel like they are losing that control, they will try to find it somewhere else. Some men will drive that loss of control into building a bigger career, thus turning into workaholics. Men could also channel their loss of control into watching sports like zombies. Other men will find another woman who “loves” them because it will give them a confidence boost. Sometimes men will also cheat because they have found the perfect woman but are not ready to commit to her. They don’t want to lose her so in the meantime, they cheat. Is any of this excusable? No. 

What about women? Do they cheat too? Yes. They cheat for a lot of the same reasons that men do, but women will usually cheat because they are feeling neglected. If a woman’s partner is not giving her the right security, she will look for it somewhere else. Other women cheat out of boredom. If a woman lives her life for her husband and kids, there will come a time where they are both not around and she will be bored out of her mind. Since marriage is all she knows how to do, she will look for it in another form with another man. 

So if people are having issues in a relationship or a marriage, why would they cheat? Why not just come clean with their partner and ask for their support or tell them they no longer love them and want to be with someone else? Some people treat cheating as a “get out of jail free card” if you’ve done something to screw the relationship up. Others believe that they are entitled to some form of fun if life hasn’t gone their way. More often than not though, it’s because human beings are weak in their nature and cannot face up to the responsibility of doing the right thing most of the time. In my own experience, men would rather die than hurt a woman directly. So in a twisted way, in their mind, they are protecting her from hurting her by telling her the truth. At other times, the man does not want to seem like a failure in his woman’s eyes and less of a man. Also, a lot of men can be intimated by their woman’s strength. So even though you might think you’ve left the doors open to him to talk to you about anything, he might be completely terrified of facing your strength. Since cheating is so strongly condemned in society, someone who cheats and admits to it has to admit to themselves that they are a “horrible” person and no one has the courage to face that reality. Last but not least, ending a relationship with someone, especially a marriage, is one of the most difficult things to do. If you’ve ever had to break up with someone, then you know how this feels. Some people will resort to everything else before ending the marriage, including cheating, because it’s the “lesser of the two evils.” 

In my opinion, cheating is the worst form of hurting someone simply for one reason: If you are married and sexually active, you could be physically harming your partner by bringing home a number of diseases to them. And as an act in itself, cheating is not the “normal” reaction to a crisis. But cheating is human. If you’ve been cheated on, consider the possibility that it most likely is for a million other reasons that have nothing to do with you and does not necessarily mean the cheater is the most horrible of all human beings. Accepting this will help you move on easier. Most likely, the cheater is emotionally troubled and is incapable of fixing the problem in a rational way because emotions know no logic. 

Whether or not you decide to forgive someone for cheating on you is your own choice. But in my opinion, it depends on how bad they feel about it and how willing they are to make sure it doesn’t happen again (which doesn’t mean that they won’t). If you have accepted someone for their good and bad, understand that this may be a part of their “bad” so to speak. And understand very well that at the end of the day, they are human and make mistakes just like everyone else, including you, does. But if you think that after years of being with someone that you could just raise a red flag when someone cheats and walk out the door, think twice. It is never that easy. Personally, I would rather be with someone who cheats and comes clean rather than someone who is “faithful” physically, but emotionally treats me like dirt and ignores me. 

Because of this, I have always believed the foundation of any good relationship is strong communication. Because even if your partner is looking to cheat, they will at least come talk to you about it first. And if they do cheat, they will have enough courage to tell you the truth about it. Finally, I am not a relationships expert. I am not a psychologist nor a sociologist. This post is also only cracking the surface on cheating and its many implications. It is simply what I’ve analyzed and concluded based on my own experiences and observations. And I am somehow still trying to make my peace with it while trying to understand it myself. You can take it or leave it, your choice. 

Kisses and hugs, 

DS