20th November 2011 - 6 mins read
Welcome back my lovely readers. As always, great to have you back.
Revenge. Just hearing it gives you chills up and down your spine. Such a powerful word with so many different ways to look at it. Some people think it’s weak to practice revenge on those who have hurt them. Others think it’s a natural right. And then there are those who think of fun acts of revenge just for pure entertainment and to slightly ease the pain they feel after they are hurt. I’m part of that last group.
It’s not that I’m an evil person, but it’s like this. When someone wrongfully hurts you in a breakup, it’s very hard to move on without your closure. Now I’m not talking about a breakup where things between you and your partner didn’t work out for one reason or the other. I’m talking about the horrible breakups where the person cheats on you, leaves you for your friend, or lies to you about being married the whole time you were together. That kind of intentional pain that someone can conflict on you. And if the person who has hurt you does not give you your closure, you somehow try and seek it on your own. You somehow start feeling like they are obligated to experience some form of pain to balance out the pain they have caused you. As a result, you end up developing this false illusion that if you were to hurt them back, justice would be partially served and you would have your closure. That’s where the desire for revenge stems from.
But as every mature person knows, this accomplishes nothing. Hurting someone who has hurt you makes you just as low as them, in my own personal opinion. While I can understand the reasons for that desire, it’s never an excuse. If someone has hurt you, let it go and karma will take good care of them without messing you up in the process. And since my friends and I are good people, we’ve never done anything to our ex’s, no matter how disgusting they were to us. However, once in a while just for fun, we discuss plots that we would like to carry out against them. These discussions result in a few good laughs and a lighter heart to deal with our post-breakup pains.
Following a discussion with Adrianna on fake revenge plots we would never actually do, I wanted to see if any of my readers had any equally hilarious fake revenge plots and decided to involve you all in today’s post. I created a Twitter hashtag called #ExRevenge and let the ideas flow in. While mostly everyone said that the best revenge is to let it go and be the best person you can be (which I greatly respect and agree with), there were some pretty funny suggestions. So, here it is, the list of some of my favorite revenge plots against your ex, composed by my friends and I and you! (Side note: I really hope everyone reading this is mature enough to understand this is just a joke and that nobody goes out trying any of these. Yes, some of these are borderline psychotic, but their craziness is directly proportional to our pain! And if you feel like you really want to, then I recommend some therapy for you. It would work better.)
Throw eggs on their car windshield/room window. This is a classic but the hassle of cleaning it is enough of a pain for the person!
Put diarrhetic pills in your ex’s food. Simple and highly effective.
Invite your ex to your wedding.
Alternatively, show up at their wedding and sing at the top of your lungs Adele’s “Someone Like You” or “Rolling in the Deep”
Post embarrassing pictures of them on the school or work notice board.
Randomly hand out their phone number to people on the street.
Take them to a paintball game and agree with everyone there to suddenly turn on them.
Call up their mother and tell her she’s having twin grandchildren, and you’re naming them Bonquiqui and Anaconda. (One of the readers submitted this and it cracked me up forever!)
Throw lemon juice in their eyes while they’re not expecting it. Yes, this is childish, but would be hilarious.
Apply shaving cream on their hand and use a feather to tickle their face.
Wait until he’s dining with a new date, call the restaurant and ask them to tell him, “Your kids are on the phone and they’re wondering how long they’ll have to wait in the heat/cold.”
Write your names inside a big heart on his/her lawn in gasoline. Have a match handy for when he/she arrives.
Become best friends with his siblings/parents in secret. Then just show up at his/her house every day to see them, acting like you’ve never met your ex.
Give them paper cuts and throw them in a pool of lemon juice, vinegar and baking soda. (Another reader submission that is pure evil!)
Show up with a baby at their job. Don’t say anything. Don’t make any facial expressions. Just point at the baby, point at them and shrug.
Sit at their building in the lobby/outside their villa for a month. Don’t say anything ever. Just stare at them walk in and out every day.
Before you break up with them, hide pictures of yourself in every corner of their house/car/wallet - whatever you have access to!
Put a stereo outside their home blasting a CD of you yelling at them. Put it in a high corner that they can’t easily reach or bring down. Do this at the crack of dawn to wake up all the neighbors.
Send your friends in one by one to flirt with them, make them think they want your ex, then drop off the face of the planet without an explanation.
When you bump into them in public, act like you have no idea who they are. If they bother you, call security to escort them out.
Spam everyone on their Twitter/Facebook and tell them not to speak to that person because they are evil.
Make one of those pictures of babies where you put your picture and their picture and it shows you what your child would look like. Print it as a 5x5 and leave it outside their house.
Show up at their workplace in a wedding dress/suit (smeared make up is a plus) and say, “Baby!!! You missed our wedding!!!”
On the day of your engagement, hire a party planning agency and have them celebrate for your ex at work or school with confetti, banners and horns.
Pretend you got into an accident, you got amnesia and you don’t remember breaking up with the person. In your mind, you’re still together. Treat the ex as such.
Put all the gifts they ever gave you outside their house, crushed and in a mess. Leave a note that says, “Love you too!”
Befriend their new boyfriend/girlfriend and insist to come out with them on all their dates.
Send a fax to their office with a bill for a “special massage” they got over the weekend… and charged it to the corporate account.
Hang out at their favorite spot with a bunch of your friends. Spend the entire time, as a group, pointing and laughing hysterically at your ex.
Replace all perfume, shampoo and shower gel contents with cooking oil. Preferably used.
Give the neighborhood cat food outside your ex’s house so that the cat never goes away.
Apply for a job at his/her workplace/attend the same school as him/her.
Hypnotize them to always drop their pants when someone says their name.
Call them from random numbers, never say who you are and uncontrollably sob every time.
And 35. Show them how fabulous you always will be and that leaving them will always be the best thing that happened to you :)
P.S. IF you ever end up doing any of these/have done them in the past, then pictures and/or videos are in order!
Kisses and hugs,